How is it that I have never spoken to You?
Every time I’ve cried,
Every time I’ve praised,
It was never to You.
You were reserved for children,
And more naive believers.
“Jesus Loves Me”?
I had outgrown such things;
My faith was greater now.
I addressed my prayers to God, or to the Lord,
And used Your name only to seal the envelope,
But in my mind,
I was speaking to a formless, faceless entity.
A blur of power and glory,
That my merely human mind couldn’t comprehend;
Thunder and lightning, fire and smoke,
And the deafening sound of the trumpet.¹
My prayers were disoriented,
Plagued by doubts born of confusion,
So I suffered beneath temptation,
Quashed by the weight of shame.
When relief came it was so fleeting,
Alive only for a moment,
Before the black hole in my heart,
Sought something else to fill it.
As I was tormented in this cycle,
You had compassion on me,
And came to me asking, “Do you love me?”²
But I knew within me it wasn’t the case.

I’m sorry.

Please, abide with me now.
When I pray, let me see Your face,
When I cry, let me feel Your arms around me,
When I praise, let me do it at Your feet.
Let Your name bring a smile to my face,
Let me remember fondly Your love for me,
Let me own it as a precious possession;
A gift emblazoned with my name,
Written in Your blood.

¹Exodus 20:18
²John 21:15